Thinking about Beauty

Yesterday, my dad asked me when I would actually have time to write in this new blog. I laughed with him, knowing that my life is full and busy right now. But for some reason, I am feeling the need to have this space to share about the things on my heart and my mind.

And this morning, I knew it was time to write again.

Lately I’ve been thinking about beauty.

I started reading the book entitled, My Time in Heaven, by Richard Sigmund. I was skeptical as I started reading, but as I endeavored into the book, it resonated with my spirit more and more.

The book is about a man who the Lord brought to heaven for a short amount of time. The things that this man saw and experienced there are incredible. For any of you who are curious, I highly encourage you to read the book!

Here is an excerpt that spoke to me:

“Every now and then, as I traveled down the pathway, I would get a glimpse of Jesus just a little way ahead. He was talking with people, loving them, hugging them. They were looking at Him with such expressions of adoration and worship that I wanted to be there just to fall at His feet. Yet the angel would say, “Just a little further on down the path. You have an appointment with God, and you will meet with the Lord.” The anticipation was bubbling up within me. I just wanted to be with Jesus. But I knew I had to wait.

In heaven, everybody has a turn to see Jesus directly, and therefore, nobody is anxious about it. I felt great tranquility because I knew that when it was my turn, it would be a glorious moment for all eternity…yet this was the remarkable thing: though I could see Jesus ahead of me, I could not say that He was not also right behind me. He moved at what seemed to be the speed of light. There was only one of Him, but Jesus seemed to be everywhere at the same time. And I just wanted to be with Him….

He took my hand and began to walk with me like a father would with a little child. We walked a little further down the street and he said, “I have many things to tell you. I will come to you again in just a short time. I have something else to tell you, but right now, there is more for you to see. More for you to witness and experience. Tell My people I am coming soon. I love them.” Then, He gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek and said, “I love you, too.”

The Lord has used this book to remind me of how deep His love is. He loves me deeply. As deeply as I can possibly imagine. At the same time He loves me with all He has, He loves the next person just the same. His love is deeper and purer and truer than we can fathom.

And we are all in search for that love.

As women, especially, it’s as if we are constantly asking the question, Am I lovely? Am I worth your attention? Your affection?

Do you find me lovely?

I found myself struggling with this last week as I was constantly frustrated with Nate. In my eyes, he couldn’t do anything right. He wasn’t helping out enough at home, he wasn’t making me enough of a priority, he wasn’t being considerate, he wasn’t doing the things he told me he would do. After several days of division and many tears, my mom said something to me that resonated, she said, “Daintry, do you think you are trying to get your fulfillment from Nate?”

Wow.

Right on, Mom.

As I looked at my heart, it was true. I was focused on all of the things Nate wasn’t doing right because I was asking him the question in my mind, “Am I worth something to you, Nate? Am I lovely to you? Do you think about me?”

But Nate wasn’t catching the hint.

Of course he loves me, of course I am important to him. But his actions weren’t showing me.

And it was later that day that I began reading this book about heaven. And the Lord spoke to me about His love for me. That He finds me lovely. That He never takes His eyes off of me. That He would give anything for me. That He just wants to walk with me, sit with me, talk with me, know me.

I’ve been so aware of this lately.

I am mostly a stay at home mom, but I also spend time teaching dance and working as a receptionist at a salon.

At the dance studio, I am constantly bombarded with these little lives asking the question silently, am I lovely? Miss Daintry, will you listen to me when I talk to you? Am I worthy of your attention? Am I interesting? Am I a priority to you? Somedays, I feel like they are screaming it at me, and I feel the weight of responsibility and impact resting heavily on my shoulders.

Children have a way of silently asking those questions in the sweetest of ways. And I am discovering adults do too.

The other day at the salon the topic of working out came up, which led to one of the stylist sharing about her stomach fat, which led to another stylist commenting about how her body had never been the same since childbirth.

“There’s no turning back,” she said as she glanced up at me, “ I have stretch marks up to here.” She held her hand right below her bust. Her gaze said to me oh well, I just have to live with it.  But it was as if I heard her say:

“I have these marks on my body that I can’t get rid of, and the world says they are ugly, but they are mine now. I cannot escape them. I hope I will find a man who will still think I’m lovely.”

And within it all, I heard the cry of so many women. Am I lovely?

With all the marks, scars, blemishes…we try so hard to look like the women the world says are beautiful…but no one looks like that. We all are hiding our blemishes and whispering quietly, am I still lovely?

Will you see my heart?

Will you look beyond my body, beyond my hair, and makeup, and jewelry…will you talk to me and think I’m lovely?

And will that be enough?

Am I enough?

It’s the question of humanity. When we look to each other to get answers, we don’t find what we are looking for.

So the Lord keeps drawing me back to Himself.

I hear Him whisper

 ask me Daintry. Ask me.