Yesterday, my dad asked me when I would actually have time
to write in this new blog. I laughed with him, knowing that my life is full and
busy right now. But for some reason, I am feeling the need to have this space
to share about the things on my heart and my mind.
And this morning, I knew it was time to write again.
Lately I’ve been thinking about beauty.
I started reading the book entitled, My Time in Heaven,
by Richard Sigmund. I was skeptical as I started reading, but as I endeavored
into the book, it resonated with my spirit more and more.
The book is about a man who the Lord brought to heaven for a
short amount of time. The things that this man saw and experienced there are
incredible. For any of you who are curious, I highly encourage you to read the
book!
Here is an excerpt that spoke to me:
“Every now and then, as I
traveled down the pathway, I would get a glimpse of Jesus just a little way
ahead. He was talking with people, loving them, hugging them. They were looking
at Him with such expressions of adoration and worship that I wanted to be there
just to fall at His feet. Yet the angel would say, “Just a little further on
down the path. You have an appointment with God, and you will meet with the
Lord.” The anticipation was bubbling up within me. I just wanted to be with
Jesus. But I knew I had to wait.
In heaven, everybody has a
turn to see Jesus directly, and therefore, nobody is anxious about it. I felt
great tranquility because I knew that when it was my turn, it would be a
glorious moment for all eternity…yet this was the remarkable thing: though I
could see Jesus ahead of me, I could not say that He was not also right behind
me. He moved at what seemed to be the speed of light. There was only one of
Him, but Jesus seemed to be everywhere at the same time. And I just wanted to
be with Him….
He took my hand and began
to walk with me like a father would with a little child. We walked a little
further down the street and he said, “I have many things to tell you. I will
come to you again in just a short time. I have something else to tell you, but
right now, there is more for you to see. More for you to witness and
experience. Tell My people I am coming soon. I love them.” Then, He gave me a
big hug and kissed me on the cheek and said, “I love you, too.”
The Lord has used this book to remind me of how deep His
love is. He loves me deeply. As deeply as I can possibly imagine. At the same
time He loves me with all He has, He loves the next person just the same. His
love is deeper and purer and truer than we can fathom.
And we are all in search for that love.
As women, especially, it’s as if we are constantly asking
the question, Am I lovely? Am I worth your attention? Your affection?
Do you find me lovely?
I found myself struggling with this last week as I was
constantly frustrated with Nate. In my eyes, he couldn’t do anything right. He
wasn’t helping out enough at home, he wasn’t making me enough of a priority, he
wasn’t being considerate, he wasn’t doing the things he told me he would do. After
several days of division and many tears, my mom said something to me that
resonated, she said, “Daintry, do you think you are trying to get your
fulfillment from Nate?”
Wow.
Right on, Mom.
As I looked at my heart, it was true. I was focused on all of
the things Nate wasn’t doing right because I was asking him the question in my
mind, “Am I worth something to you, Nate? Am I lovely to you? Do you think
about me?”
But Nate wasn’t catching the hint.
Of course he loves me, of course I am important to him. But
his actions weren’t showing me.
And it was later that day that I began reading this book
about heaven. And the Lord spoke to me about His love for me. That He finds me
lovely. That He never takes His eyes off of me. That He would give anything for
me. That He just wants to walk with me, sit with me, talk with me, know me.
I’ve been so aware of this lately.
I am mostly a stay at home mom, but I also spend time
teaching dance and working as a receptionist at a salon.
At the dance studio, I am constantly bombarded with these
little lives asking the question silently, am I lovely? Miss Daintry, will you
listen to me when I talk to you? Am I worthy of your attention? Am I
interesting? Am I a priority to you? Somedays, I feel like they are screaming
it at me, and I feel the weight of responsibility and impact resting heavily on
my shoulders.
Children have a way of silently asking those questions in
the sweetest of ways. And I am discovering adults do too.
The other day at the salon the topic of working out came up,
which led to one of the stylist sharing about her stomach fat, which led to
another stylist commenting about how her body had never been the same since
childbirth.
“There’s no turning back,” she said as she glanced up at me,
“ I have stretch marks up to here.” She held her hand right below her bust. Her
gaze said to me oh well, I just have to live with it. But it
was as if I heard her say:
“I have these marks on my body that I can’t get rid of, and
the world says they are ugly, but they are mine now. I cannot escape them. I
hope I will find a man who will still think I’m lovely.”
And within it all, I heard the cry of so many women. Am I
lovely?
With all the marks, scars, blemishes…we try so hard to look
like the women the world says are beautiful…but no one looks like that. We all
are hiding our blemishes and whispering quietly, am I still lovely?
Will you see my heart?
Will you look beyond my body, beyond my hair, and makeup,
and jewelry…will you talk to me and think I’m lovely?
And will that be enough?
Am I enough?
It’s the question of humanity. When we look to each other to
get answers, we don’t find what we are looking for.
So the Lord keeps drawing me back to Himself.
I hear Him whisper
ask me Daintry. Ask me.
